My 115th dream

Guest Columns by Sauvik Chakraverti,

The Newindpress on Sunday, 2007-2008

My 115th dream

In this dream of some nights ago, I was in the garden of my secluded ‘Hashrum Ashram’, when the bugles began to blow. I recognised the tune, “Fanfare for the Common Man”, and stepped out. A military parade was on. Seeing me emerge, three smartly dressed officers, in the uniforms of Army, Navy and Air Force, came marching up to me. Each held a sword in his right hand. Halting smartly, and dipping their swords in salute, they announced in a chorus that rent the air: “The Sword of State is surrendered to you, O Great Lord and Master.” I was now the Supreme Commander of the Indian Armed Forces, Musharraf’s parallel! Democracy had failed India, they proclaimed, and I had been specially chosen to ‘run the country’, with the full force of the nation’s military might behind me.

It was my turn to speak. The eager press was waiting, their microphones on alert.

In my usual loud and clear voice, I said: “Thank you gentlemen, for this singular privilege and honour. My first official decision may therefore be noted and carried out. It is this: The Indian Air Force is closed down!”

“Whaaaaat?”, even the announcer gasped over the public address system. Without giving anyone a chance to speak out in opposition, I continued: “My innumerable travels, throughout the length and breadth of this beautiful country, have convinced me that the Pakistani Air Force has already bombed all the roads of India, not only the highways, but city thoroughfares as well, and the Indian Air Force has not protected us. They are therefore fired. Give the entire force the pink slip. My next decision follows.”

Without giving anyone a moment to protest, I continued in the same loud and clear voice: “My second decision is this: The Indian Army is closed down. The entire force should be immediately given the pink slip. This is because they have stood by and watched as a ‘scorched earth policy’ was conducted on their own people, through the destruction of all roads. Who needs an Army when 100,000 pedestrians are killed on the roads every year? They are sacked. We now turn to the Indian Navy. And my third decision.” Clearly and loudly, I continued, but now there were some shouts of approval from the Assembly: “A Naval fleet is required to protect merchant ships from pirates. But India does not trade over the seas! Nor does she want to! Her ‘commerce’ minister walks out of WTO meets! Further, central legislation prohibits real estate development on the coast. The Navy and the Coast Guard are simply protecting sand. They are useless. Give them the pink slip.”

“I will continue after hearing that these three orders have been carried out,” I said and paused.

The response came from one of the three uniformed men before me. In a quavering voice he said: “O Great Lord and Master, it seems that all of us in the armed forces have failed our nation. Democracy was an illusion that blinded us to the reality that all the enemies of our society lie within. We were always looking without. You have opened our eyes. Please instruct us as to who are the enemies within and we will serve the Sword of State honourably, as a professional body of armed men dedicated to the defence of the realm.”

I replied, “Thank you for the privilege of being your Teacher of Economics. As far as the roads of India are concerned, our enemies are those Public Works Departments that construct them so horribly that they seem to have been built by the Pakistani ISI in order to ‘scorch earth’ our nation. And, of course, the planners, who never planned any roads. Bomb these bastards from the air!”

“Scraaaamble!” the cry was uttered and a thousand fighter planes and bombers took to the skies. All PWD offices, and all planning commissions, throughout India, were identified and bombed to rubble, I was later told.

I then instructed my foreign minister to request Musharraf for the services of the Pakistani PWD, as a gesture of goodwill.

Within minutes I was informed on the mobile by Musharraf himself that the Pakistani PWD was at my disposal. As soon as I heard this, I made the announcement: “Anyone can build a house anywhere in India: my government promises to build a metalled, motorable, all-weather road right up to his door. This order will be executed by the Pakistan PWD. All public sector undertakings (PSUs) will be auctioned, and all the money will be invested in road construction. India will become a great piece of real estate, without taxation.”

The brief hiatus allowed the Army chief to approach me, with a “who are the internal enemies? Please continue” line. Seizing the moment, I announced: “Do you agree that you are fools? Mahamoorakhs? Bewakoofs? Standing by in full uniform while your own government ‘scorches the earth’ of your own people? Answer!”

“Yes! Yes!” came the sobbing response. “Then your real enemies are those Departments of Economics which instruct you into losing your sanities. Bomb the bastards!”

“Scraaaamble,” I heard in the distance, and a thousand fighter planes and bombers took off to identify and destroy the enemy. In my mind’s eye I pictured the Delhi School of Economics. Suddenly there was a wail of engine noise followed by an explosion as the Ratan Tata Library exploded into smithereens. “Whatever next?” I thought, hoping the dream would continue. It did.

This time the Naval chief came up and asked what they could do? Who are the ‘internal enemies’ they could fight from the sea?

I pondered awhile and then ordered: “Destroy every customs establishment along our coast. And never let another crop up. That is your eternal task: protecting merchants, destroying pirates. Free trade in India, from here to eternity. The world’s largest duty-free trading area is hereby born.” Wild applause followed, from all quarters, including the assembled soldiery.

The Navy took their orders and proceeded to their tasks. And I was only hours into my rule! But just then these crows started off near my window, with loud screeches and caws. Woke me up! Hope this woke you up too!